We don't fully appreciate people that go through struggles until we struggle on our own. Change starts from within and whatever cliche and corny things you hear about moving on and letting go becomes true. There is no one better to help you move on but yourself. In my struggle, my heart has been damaged beyond the point that I can even take. It's starting to consume my life and affect others that care about me. Because in this battle I am my worst enemy. I don't like to speak about my struggles so when I crash after keeping it all inside me, no one has an idea why it's happening. I'm coping after all from what they think. In this time, I've taken a look at my life and reevaluated the things I need to let go and the things I need to keep carrying with me. Might be completely vain but simply being honest, I trust myself the most with decisions I make. I know that a lot of times in the past and now and for the future my decisions aren't ultimately the best. However, my decisions are still what is going to make me feel more comfortable in the situation. In truth, I have instilled this demon of my own self and all my insecurities and failures as much as they are caused by others, they are also caused by me. At this point I am left with no choice but fight all of that. So like I said, even though my wonderful friends and family try to help me with my problems by giving me advice, I will still at the end of the day make my own decisions that are just what makes me feel better, and these days it's hard to dig around the cut that isn't even scabbing yet. It's so fresh that any move I make close to it traumatizes me. So I don't like to talk about what happened and what caused this whole struggle and whole pit that I am in.
I always think, "What if my best friend is going through what I am going through now? What would I say to them?" I'd say a lot of the same things my best friends are already telling me. "Keep your head up." , "Nothing can be so bad to just give up on life." etc. etc. But I would also say with stern realization that this is karma for everything you have done wrong and for all the people that you've hurt just the same. The struggle and pain is more real than you have ever imagined, but if they got through it after you put them through it, you best f-n swallow your own medicine. And that is just the truth. The harsh reality that I have hurt people so much for my own happiness that I didn't realize this is how bad it could be. One day, it will come right back. When I'm ready to let go, I will. One day at a time. It is really an uphill struggle so I need to learn to let go of all the baggage I'm carrying that is dragging me down.
Pinterest cheesy but true quotes bring me hope. Even though I haven't taken anything seriously for awhile, this is a harsh slap in the face from reality.
"Don't forget you are human. It's okay to have a meltdown, just don't unpack and live there. Cry it out and then refocus on where you are headed"
Packing lightly was never my thing. Then again unpacking was never either. Always moving on.